Dentists: Cavity of Society, Sleazy Bicuspid (Remover), Root (Canal) of all Evil, Or Guardians of Wisdom (Teeth)?

After six arduous months of self-fueled indignation, I strode confidently into my dentist appointment yesterday ready to reveal the man behind the curtain, ready to raise the flag of truth, ready to expose these people for what they really are: FRAUDS.

Six months ago my wonderful wife set up a dentist appointment and informed me I would be going. Naturally, hating dentists as I do, I resisted. Nevertheless, my resolve was weakened and eventually broken as Leslie prattled on about the importance of dental hygiene, taking care of myself, not looking British, etc. To make a long story short, I soon found myself lying on my back as a strange man probed my mouth with various foreign objects.

I did not ever give a verbal “yes,” but perhaps under Virginia law, submissively lying motionless is sufficient to qualify as “consent.” Regardless, after he was done, he sat me up in the chair and with a stern expression on his face he said, “You haven’t been flossing, have you?” I replied with a well rehearsed line which I have employed during every dentist visit I’ve ever had: “No, not as much as I should.” I then looked sheepishly at the ground waiting for his inevitable scolding. I didn’t have to wait long. “Kevin,” he began, in an authoritative, condescending tone, “flossing is extremely important. All the cavities I found today are a result of not flossing. Remember, if you want clean teeth, you brush; if you want healthy teeth, you floss.”

Before I continue with the story, there are two points I need to address. First, there are likely some of you judging me for not flossing. Well, that’s right - I’m not a great flosser. There, I said it. However, that does not make me a bad person. If any of you are disgusted by this shortcoming, give me two minutes and I can come up with a list of your flaws.

Second, since when did dentists become the nagging parents of society? When I go into McDonald’s and order a Super Sized Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, the cashier doesn’t look at me and say, “Do you really need all that?” When I go to a horror movie the ticket guy doesn’t say, “You know, if you watch this you won’t be able to sleep and you’ll want to sleep in my room after it's over.” When I go to 7 Eleven at night and get a huge drink, the guy at the counter doesn’t warn me that if I drink this all tonight, I’ll probably wet the bed. The only person that will forever talk to you like you’re a child is your dentist.

Furthermore, it makes no logical or economic sense for a dentist to get mad when people get cavities. After all, that is how they make money. A dentist getting annoyed when you throw business his way by not taking care of your teeth is the same as the owner of a Chuck-A-Rama getting mad at people for not watching their weight. If there weren’t fat slobs in the world, he'd be out of business.

Anyway, back to the story. After my scolding and empty promises to do better in the future, I recalled that dentists always tell you to floss more. Armed with anecdotal data, I developed a theory that dentists will tell you to floss more during every appointment whether you floss or not. My theory dictates that dentists are playing the odds; they know that 99% of us should floss more, and much like birth control, 99% is pretty good odds. At that moment, I decided to become that 1%. I would become the dentist’s unexpected pregnancy - and I would be just as annoying.

For the next six months I diligently flossed every day. After the first week I had already surpassed my aggregate lifetime record. But I didn’t stop there. I flossed all summer, even when Leslie wasn’t around, I flossed on vacation, and I continued to floss when school started. I became the ultimate flosser. As I flossed, I fantasized about what I would say to the dentist when he perfunctorily told me to floss more. I imagined that I would slowly stand erect, the lights would dim and I would ceremoniously raise my arm and place one finger inches away from his masked face. In my best Charlton Heston voice I would categorically declare, “You sir, are a liar! Shame on you!”

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out like that. Yesterday, I had my long awaited appointment and sat gleefully in the chair ready to bring down an entire profession. However, after a short examination he looked at me and said, “Good, I see that you’ve been flossing.” It was entirely anticlimactic, but at least I learned an important lesson along the way: FLOSS.