6. Losing Kevin – It seems like this post has gone on forever, and I apologize for the previous cringe-worthy posts, but I want to end this string of posts on a serious note. Everything I have posted up until this point has been all fluff…I am only slightly afraid of any of those things…the only thing I actually fear is losing my husband, Kevin.
I think about it too often. My life has been, for all intents and purposes, perfect. From growing up in a big, happy family with good parents that could afford to provide for all of my needs and most of my wants (I never got that pony…) to going to college and meeting the perfect husband, I have gone from one seemingly cushy pillow to the next and have never had to experience life’s heartbreak and derision. Life, for me, has been a string of happy events culminating in my marriage to Kevin. But I have been told that life isn’t fair…and it has been more than fair to me! The only thing that could possibly equalize a lifetime of happiness with the lifetime of sorrow that the other half experiences is to take my husband prematurely. It has all been too good to be true, or to last, and I fear that it won’t….that some force in nature will dictate that I have used up my quota of happiness and will have to pay my dues by giving up the one thing that I hold dearest – Kevin. What is more cruel than losing the one thing in life you are convinced you cannot live without?
I try to calm myself down by saying that God would not purposely take him away just to make me experience unending grief, that a loving God wouldn’t do that… but it happens every day. Bad things happen to good people all the time. This is not to say that God does this on purpose. I know that He's not vindictive and that He has a plan that has provided for us to be together forever…I know that, but still, I can’t shake the fear that one day I’ll get a phone call that will change my life forever. Again, I apologize for sharing too much with all of you, but if I have to be honest with myself with what I fear more than anything else, it is the fear of losing my husband.
Family Picture
2 comments:
Oh my gosh Leslie, you are NOT ALONE on this subject. I am sure there are millions of women who feel exactly the same way. It's a good thing we know about eternity, right? It really is scary and I cry every time Nate leaves town just for the fear of losing him. It's awful but it's also important not to get too caught up in the "what if" and just live life as best you can!
I'm the same way about Mike, but just you wait until you have kids! I feel that way times a billion toward Kate! It's crazy. Ask Kevin, or anyone in my family-- I'm constantly afraid of losing the ones I love the most. And it's enough to drive you crazy. I'm so paranoid that anytime the phone rings, it will be news that someone has died. But we have to keep perspective that eternity is a long time and we'll be able to be with them forever and ever and ever and ever. Thank goodness!
P.S. I think all this "alone" time is getting to you! I wish we could come play this summer!!!
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